ching ming shi jie yu fen fen

Dear grandpa aka ah gong,
Hi! How hv u been? This might sounds a little too late, but just 2 let u know, I’m back 4 good. This year, I can’t visit u at nirvana park again! Soli la, I hv been missing this since…well, when was the last time I sat beside yr terrace house and say hi to all yr neighbours? At least 5 years rite? Real soli la, I really wanna come this year but the date that ah mah picked will b the day I’m heading 2 png 4 work. so, I guess I’ll chat wiv u rite here, and I know, somehow, u r rite there.

Since I came back aft graduation, there has been a string of events. Job-seeking, Chinese new year, packing, unloading, moving out, meeting wiv clients, learning while I work, deciding if I shud let go the person that I like, election, and of cos spending time wiv mom & dad & bing.
Perhaps, due 2 the range of food I had lately, my lifestyle or the weak & trd side of me whenever I got home, dad always make sure I hv all the things I need b4 he gave me a ride back 2 danau. Bing wud give me all sorts of info that he thinks is necessary, banking, internet, credit card, ect. And for the N time, mom has been asking me: “why don’t we get u a new car, so that u can travel daily 2 work from home?”

Can u imagine ar, ah gong? The one that they will see EVERYDAY when I get home from a day’s work, hectic schedule wiv 1h travelling by car 2 get home plus an empty stomach? And when I reach home, I wud either start telling them about work or the worse part, bcom speechless day by day. Is work hard? It cud b at times. And in order 2 solve the obstacles and learn from it, I need 2 do my thinking, alone, all by myself. Strictly on my own. U know? The times that u don’t wanna throw the emotional package 2 those that r close 2 u. u just wanna solve it yrself.

All these years, there r times I found myself dealing wiv different worlds, at work, different circles of frens, and home. And 2 b honest, ONLY the world of my own that I felt totally safe 2 show the real side of me. The one that spend on the things that she can afford and like, not the one who spent too much (in my family’s opinion) or did not spend (in my fren’s opinion); the one that feels comfortable in her sandals and shorts plus singlet, not the one that needs 2 dress up; the one that feels free 2 laugh rather than suppressing the freedom 2 laugh; the one that is confident 2 decide the route that she wanted, even if it is 不知好歹 in the world’s opinion.

I asked mom the other day, if she and dad have been disappointed on the decisions that I have made on my life? Just like a million times, she looked at me deeply and say:” its your life! Not ours” and I know, if this question is directed 2 u, ah gong,
U will start yr lecture, raise yr eyebrows and try 2 convince me. Yet, just like the million things that I hv done, u wud b there. Even if the decisions that I have made in life have hurt u, or disappointed u. (or, wud u?)
hope I get 2 pray by yr side next year, enjoy the scenery around yr house, & tell u how I hv grown up within a year. Happy ching ming. Send my regards 2 yr neighbours. Remember 2 enjoy the food ya!

p/s: is yr favourite food really JUST white rice?

Office musing…

Week 4
Ah boss asked me today while ah Head & ah chief were on their way 2 join us 4 the meeting, “so, how r things so far? Do u know what we r doing rite now? ” I nodded my head and replied, “Yup! Aft HD, I’m on my way 2 find out more about ITEX & Archidex.” “how long hv u been working here ar?” “almost a month liao loh!” “ah?! So fast 1 month liao?” I nodded again while getting ready 2 present the info I’ve compiled and analysed from the clients. Its been crazy this week, different deadlines coming up, really hv 2 learn how 2 multi-task while dealing wiv diff ppl/exhibitions. And, I hope the hectic schedule will remain the same way 4 the entire year. So fast, it’s Friday already. And what ah boss told everybd b4 I get into the meeting still ring in my mind while I was heading home, “I got news that BN is gonna hold a demonstration in Png!”


Week 3
It was basically getting more and more task on my shoulder. Cases were thrown over 2 me when it comes. Ah boss will suddenly ask me 2 join the designing buntings, billboard and ads meeting. Later, ah chief will get me 2 brainstorm on the theme 4 the mock up display. Then ah head will discuss with me 2 brush up the last minute press release for some media partners. Later, on Friday, its company dinner! And, mama san warned me 2 wear decently. And I passed her benchmark that day while gaining a big praise “wei!! Somebd really how 2 take care of her looks these days ar! Getting more attractive day by day” well, I didn’t buy any clothes, shoes or bags. I just put down the bun of hair, tried 2 walk slower and make sure ppl hear my msg. hoho… the food was good! And I had a good laugh the entire nite. But I didn’t join the rest in the pub later where ah boss gave a threat on white wine. Too trd and a little worried. Cos the next day is the general election.

Week 2
everybd was bz 4 the Thursday evening reception nite at KLCC. And of cos, getting excited of the theme, which is black. Well, I had a hard time as I was running out of black clothes (it’s mom’s fault who hardly say yes 2 black colour!). I learnt and met a few ppl that my superior, mei mei claimed r important 2 the A & P department, basically the senior level ppl from the press. Aft hving a few round of chats and sneaking aside 2 get the hot dumplings soup, I felt I just can’t stand anymore, either the cold air-cond or the business manner of the exhibitors. So, I sneaked out of hall 5. ah yap, the photographer was there, and other colleagues who were guarding the paper bags and media table. It was tiring that nite. Ah boss gave a treat 2 a steamboat house aft the function was over. i slept hving a lot of things in my mind.

Week 1
Basically, I tried 2 fit in the group. And surprisingly, it wasn’t really that hard. I don’t hv 2 put on make up. I can wear jeans on Fri & Sat. everybd from diff departments hv lunch together in restaurants, or take away food and eat at the conference room. We will fight for the newspapers, while gossiping bout anything from Edison chen’s scandal to election & pap smear. but there’s these few comments I received from the colleagues, especially Mama san. To b frank, its always the SAME old thing ppl say about me wenever I get 2 a new place: the speed of the way I talk, my hair and the panic I created. Yet, this time, I decided 2 learn & 2 change in a way that I feel comfortable.

Miscommunication…….

…Since then, he never chat wiv me in msn, not even saying hello! When I greeted him online, he ignored me totally…now he’s back, and he sms me 2 inform me he’s back! What the £$*&&*….. I sms by replying, I won’t even care bout him! I tell u I give up on this person aledi…--- ash said as though she really mean it, while swallowing a glass of water.

So, again, I always do what I hv to do, of which many ppl hated…
> hey… r u sure? U r just angry, rite?
--- no! I’m not! It is just I felt its enuf!
> izzit? Perhaps, u r just angry on yrself! U hated the kinda of feeling…
--- u know what?! I was hurt when he ignored!
> that’s rite! So, u decided 2 protect yrself by letting go. Then, just when u think yr life is calm and peaceful, his sms aft returning from overseas ruin everything, rite?
---…………….
> its like, what the hell!! How come a simple sms cud ruin a peaceful life? Rite? U r just angry on yrself, not quite on him, izzit?
---……………..
> ask yrself one thing, r u satisfied with the situation rite now?
--- not that I cud do anything…
> yes, u cud. Do something 2 find out OR just let it be and live yr life.

And the rest was history. How ash is gonna do it, I won’t know until I meet her the next time, which I think wud b next year most probably. The point is, why on earth I understand that sort of feeling?? Cos even I, faced the similar situation.

We were frens, and I think we still r. yet, just when i think i left my past real real far, even just for while, a simple msg from home ruined that sort of calmness that i hv tried hard 2 maintain in life. out of sudden, a msg that says something as normal as I miss u, from a fren that i think i treated him as a fren, created a havoc in my life. A havoc that i allowed it 2 happen, indeed.

Later, when I returned home, I decided 2 keep in touch and let him know that I’m back. Sigh… it turns out that he’s no longer available. And it seems that its all my fault. The whole world thinks I’m not coming back home, and that I’m gonna live overseas. So does him.

Upon realising this, 2 b honest, I felt the miscommunication might b due to what I hv done wrong, or worst still, the world’s imagination/ expectation on me. It just reminded me of the same incident back in the time when I became classmates of ash. It was the first day of my lower secondary in a malay school….

--- hey! Y r u here?
> what do u mean by that? this is 1st day, register like u loh!
--- but everybody says u will b studying in a Chinese secondary school, I heard u r going 2 chung hwa!
> oh, izzit? y on earth I’m not told about that?

The rest was history again. The fun part was, my parents and my family never has the intention 2 send me 2 a Chinese secondary school. And I seriously have never tot about it. What went wrong? y the world thinks the other way round?

And, y the hell even he tot about the same thing? Sigh… perhaps, it is a sign 2 let go liao. It is perhaps time 2 concentrate on other commitments and pursue what I wanna do in life. Sometimes, u just can’t get hold of anything. Even if it’s a person that seems far, when he’s indeed next 2 u.

I think I know what is my new year resolution
> I hope this sort of miscommunication will decrease slowly, if possible. And I hope, ppl will spend more time on the expectation they put on their own, rather than putting it on other ppl.

Is there a change? Yes, I think so…

In 2006 March, I think I shud b bz dealing with the campus students newspapers while planning my way for further studies. Sleeping only 3-4 hrs per day I guess, spending most of the time in the news lab. If I was lucky, I wud sneak out and watch a movie, or hv my favourite extra hot noodle and asam limau drink (). Discussed with frens, lecturers, family and ppl that I wanna meet to try & find out what the heck I want in life. Always felt exhausted, stressful and pessimistic of what I can do in future.

In 2007 March, I was bz working part time and struggling my way through the 2nd sem. in my postgrad. studies. Roughly this time I guess the apartment’s kitchen caught a fire while I was away. And it was also at this time I enjoyed cooking soup and get bern and the rest over to try it on Sundays. Confused about the organizational change paper, enjoyed the TV studies paper, while getting bored and sleepy in qualitative stats lessons. Always planned ahead for the next day’s cooking menu and what I wanna do. Don’t quite know what I can achieve but felt there r alternatives.

In 2008 March, I just got started in my new job. Learning while working my way through the probation period. Bz with the work routine, felt I stretched my body aft coming back from Yoga classes and aerobics, while wondering what kinda books/magz I can buy when I get my next salary. Get humoured all day by the colleagues, esp Mdm Daring. Thinking its time for me to do a pap smear test, instead of saying yes to mom’s arrangement for a meet-this-guy-first-and-it’s-not-meant –for-commitment date. Not sure if I can pass the probation period but certain that there’s a lot for me to look forward to.

There’s one thing in common in these 3 years. Ppl around me say I’m siao when they think:
2006: hving a degree and some practical experience I wud b able to at least get a job.
2007: buying groceries like an ah so and putting some so much emphasis on food is unusual for a 24-year old.
2008: passing probation period is as easy as not getting a bus in KL.

Well, whatever it is la, wenever ppl think my life is easier, I know its NOT. The effort I put in to make myself settle down and get used to it is… hard 2 describe in words. My hope is that, I wud still b able 2 recall what I hv done in my later stage of life.

Returning home…aft work

The first Saturday was pretty bad. I expected to attend a department meeting, it ended up brushing up my press release, cos ah boss was in macau and everybd just did their own stuffs. I was totally bored. Perhaps that’s how I started to get pissed off when I reached home, aft the 1st week of work.

Mei mei gave me a lift to the train station. I was determined to go home, so I pushed my way into the commuter with an empty stomach. I took a nap while guarding my laptop along the journey. Then, when bro. picked me up, he started indicating me that I can come home by bus next time. While he lectured me on this, he was running like 20km/h I guess?? Which really make me feel like roaring like a dinosaur, when in fact my stomach was roaring too!!

Then, when I arrived home, there’s some prob. with my bed due to the excellent decisions made by my parents (enuf said, I’m totally out of this, not gonna say it anymore). And so, juggling the “due de mi hoon” that I hated out of all the noodles in the world, I went for an afternoon nap at the…well, if u call that as a bed which makes u feel like lying on thousand pebbles. Ok, aft a decent nap and food, I woke up with my sense back to my head. Immediately, I regretted for saying what I did the moment I reached home, which is a real f***ing > I shouldn’t hv come back!!

And so, with all the guilt that I deserved, I walked down stairs, still with my dignity in mind. I apologised for what I said and explain. And I did make it clear that, if possible, plz don’t make any decisions when I’m not aware of, or at least, I’m not keen of. I understand the feeling of being protected, and how lucky I am to hv a family that care. Yet, perhaps, this is also why I always choose to live far away from home, if possible.

I always knew that I hv a choice. But I chose to study in penang instead of KL. Further my studies in Brisbane, instead of Perth, where 4th uncle and his family live, the relatives that I know will always make sure I’m in the best condition. And this time, in case of the job offer at Inti, which is basically 5 minutes drive from my house, I prefer to move out and stay in KL, next to my current company.

Yet, when I’m home, I will stay at the kitchen with mom, and update the whole family (the 2 men will listen from the living room) about the troubles and targets that I have made. I need them. However, I also need my own time and space. I need to hv my own life. That’s why I come back form Oz. many, many, many ppl, were curious why on earth I didn’t stay but chose to come back instead. Simple, my family. it felt empty when u cud only hear them through skype or long distant calls. And felt helpless when one of them is sick or not feeling well.

Again la, I need time. Mayb that’s y the 2nd week was so much better. I took my time to attend the meetings, ate my lunch while waiting 4 the bus and went home by commuter with the same pushing process. During this trip, I felt better and normal. I slept while grabbing my laptop tightly. And I didn’t explode at anybody. Unlike other travelling trips (duno y, I always felt trd aft travelling short/ long trip) I felt refresh and I chatted, chatted and chatted with mom. Things r in control although I still hv 2 lay on the thing named bed. With a different attitude this time, I know, I’m home.